by Beth Rush

It's common knowledge that favoritism among children can leave deep emotional scars on the disfavored ones, but how does it affect the favored child? And how are they impacted as adults?

It’s easy to assume that being the “chosen one” comes with no downsides, but the truth is far more complicated. While the favored child might benefit in the short term, the long-term emotional implications can be just as damaging in different ways.

How Does Favoritism Affect the Favored Child?

As many as 40% of Americans with siblings believed their parents had a favorite child. When parents openly favor a child, it often creates a sense of pressure to live up to the idealized version their parents have of them. This can manifest in:

• Perfectionism: The favored child may feel an unrelenting need to succeed in everything they do to maintain their parents’ approval. Over time, this can lead to burnout and anxiety. 

• Fear of failure: Being placed on a pedestal can make failure seem catastrophic. The child might grow up avoiding risks, fearing that any mistake could tarnish their “golden child” image.

Strained Sibling Relationships

Favoritism inevitably alters family dynamics, often at the expense of sibling relationships. Favored children usually experience guilt as they’re conflicted about the resentment and jealousy coming from their brothers and sisters, creating an emotional tug-of-war. Over time, favoritism can alienate the favored child from their siblings, making them feel like they don’t belong in their own family unit.

Struggles With Identity and Self-Worth

Parental favoritism often ties the favored child’s self-worth to external validation. This can result in difficulty defining self-worth as they grow older. When praise and love are conditional, they might struggle to find intrinsic value in themselves. The favored child may also rely on others’ approval, making it difficult to cultivate self-confidence.

How Does Favoritism Affect Mental Health?

As the favored child grows into adulthood, the effects of favoritism frequently manifest in their personal relationships, careers and mental health. Many can find it challenging to establish healthy boundaries in relationships, either expecting constant praise or feeling unworthy of authentic connection.

When people constantly hold their kids to a higher standard, it can lead to chronic stress and anxiety as the child strives to meet their parents’ expectations and maintain their golden status. Over time, this pressure can erode their emotional well-being, resulting in perfectionism and a relentless fear of failure. 

Imposter syndrome is another common struggle, as they may doubt their own abilities and fear their achievements were only the result of favoritism, not genuine merit. Moreover, reflecting on their upbringing can lead to resentment toward their parents, especially if the favoritism created emotional turmoil in their lives or estranged them from their siblings.

How to Prevent the Effects of Favoritism

Positive parenting practices can help prevent the emotional damage favoritism causes. By emphasizing fairness and unconditional love, parents can develop an environment where each child feels valued for their unique qualities. This encourages them to meet the individual needs of each child without creating comparisons or competition, allowing all children to thrive emotionally.

For instance, rather than focusing on achievements or perceived strengths, parents can prioritize nurturing their children’s emotional intelligence and self-esteem. This approach helps avoid the damaging consequences of favoritism while teaching kids the importance of empathy and respect. Positive parenting techniques can reduce the likelihood of anxiety and depression in adolescence. Providing a more balanced and supportive environment ensures children grow up strong emotionally and mentally.

How Does Favoritism Affect the Disfavored Child?

The emotional wounds favoritism inflicts on the disfavored child can also be deep and enduring. As these children grapple with the knowledge that their parents value them less, they often experience feelings of rejection and low self-worth. This dynamic can lead to resentment — not only toward their parents but also toward their favored sibling. Over time, they may internalize their perceived lack of worth, which can manifest as depression or anxiety.

Disfavored children might also struggle with a constant need for validation by constantly seeking approval in other areas of life to compensate for the lack of affirmation they received at home. In some cases, they may develop rebellious or self-destructive behaviors as a way to cope with the pain of their parents overlooking them. Ultimately, these scars can affect their self-esteem, resilience and ability to form healthy relationships well into adulthood.

Build Healthier Family Dynamics

Favoritism is a damaging family dynamic, and while the immediate harm often falls on the disfavored child, the favored one carries their own emotional burdens. From perfectionism and guilt to strained sibling relationships and identity struggles, the challenges can ripple through their lives in unexpected ways.

Beth Rush is a mental health advocate, and health and wellness writer covering a range of topics in the lifestyle and personal wellness space to help readers improve their quality of life. Her work has appeared in numerous blogs and publications worldwide, including EatingWell and Health.com. She is also the co-founder and managing editor of Body+Mind magazine at: bodymind.com.

Photograph by Cottonbro Studio